It’s on

This is it. My biggest fear and challenge is standing right in front of me, staring me straight in the eyes like a bull staring at the matador’s red waving cape. As the bull charges, I’m officially entering the blogosphere as a blogger about something very personal to me. I believe what I am going to do will be the hardest thing for me to do in my entire life, but I believe it will accelerate my personal and spiritual growth. With that said, I can’t wait to see how the whole thing unfolds and what kind of impact it will have on me, people who are close to me, those who know me, and everyone else who decide to follow me.

I’m a generally reserved and private person, so for me to reveal to you my heavy and personal stuff is a HUGE deal to me. I mean, I’m face to face with my biggest fear and challenge in the combat right now, but my need to tell this story is way greater than all fears I have put together. So that fact, along with Catherine and Beatrice- my producer and my sister respectively, who also are wonderful supporters and champion confidantes- encourage me to build the courage to share my story with you the rest of world.

The story is long and most of it will be told in the documentary. To sum up, as I’m typing these words, Renny, my husband, is currently at the Travis County Correctional Complex for various drug-related charges. When I first met him at our friends’ wedding in Temecula, California in July 2009, he was in his fifth year of sobriety and a man with great intentions and even greater dreams. His biggest dream was to create a documentary that exposes the truth about the severity of drug addictions among the Deaf people and the lack of available resources and services that serve the Deaf and American Sign Language user population.

We worked together day and night on the documentary. We even had a production team. Then, one night Renny relapsed and everything changed. My life as I knew it ended. During the entire course of his relapses which lasted one year, I tightly grasped my faith that everything will work out in the end. Well, we can’t predict the future, can we?

Last Thanksgiving, I had an epiphany. We worked so many hours and had so much good footage and it was left to waste because it was supposed to be Renny’s story and now, he’s in jail. I realized I experienced everything just as much as he did. Pretty much the only thing that I didn’t do was smoke the crack. This story could still be told, but through my own eyes. I iChatted with Cat, my producer, about my idea and she completely supported it.

I just returned to Austin, Texas, from a month-long stay at my parents’ in Ohio. When I was there, I went to Cat’s house in Toronto, Ontario, Canada (wow that’s a fingerful as I’m typing this blog on my iPhone). It was a very productive week. We looked over the footage and worked on the storyline and strategized different ways to raise fund in order to shoot more interviews and scenes and, especially, for the postproduction aspect.

My wish for 2012 is to embrace this journey in which I believe will heal me.

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8 comments

  1. Marsha · February 20, 2012

    Bellamie!!
    Anything that would makes us moving forward, I admire you doing this blog!! I definitely know it’s not easy to share somthing so personal for others to see but it’s a good way that we could learn and support each other than dealing with it alone.
    Remember, let me know what I can do to help. I’m a child of an alcoholic and it’s really nice to be able to support one another to understand how our love ones struggle with their addiction.
    I remind myself to be grateful everyday. I’m grateful for Russell that I get to know you two, too. You all are in my prayers.
    HUGS
    Marsha

    PS- Rex definitely looked so WARM in the photo with you in Ohio! 😀 So adorable.

    • Bellamie · February 23, 2012

      Hi Marsha! Yes thanks to him we got to meet! I have to start somewhere and it helps a lot. I’m hoping that all of us who know someone who is struggling can talk about it openly. Thanks for reading my blog and your everlasting support. I hope I’ll see you around soon! 🙂

  2. Vikee Waltrip · February 20, 2012

    Bellamie….I’m glad you have this blog. Its a good way for you to work your way to forgive Renny, but most important of all, is to forgive yourself. Even though you fell into the destructive path of an addict, You are blessed with being able to share what so often is a difficult subject. I wish you the best of luck in this documentary and hope to see it one of these days. Keep your chin up knowing there are people out there who are on your side and support you.

    With love,

    Vikee

    • Bellamie · February 23, 2012

      Thanks for your kind words. I am definitely making sure that the documentary will happen one day soon and I hope it will make difference in Deaf community. I appreciate your support very much!

  3. Terri Vincent · February 26, 2012

    Wow! Beautifully written-especially using iPhone. You have a skill to be a great storyteller telling us about your side story. Looking forward to see more of that. Your strength never cease to amaze me! Wish you the best luck. Hugs, terri

    • Bellamie · March 5, 2012

      Terri,

      Thanks! I will write a lot more as I’m becoming more comfortable with expressing in words and now I’m thinking of doing vlog soon. Thanks for your support! 🙂

  4. christy · August 3, 2012

    Christy here. I stumbled into your page and read the blogs you’ve written about your life with Renny and the sorts. I do not know you personally, but I know Renny. From your writings, it’s awesome to pour your feelings into it and to get to know yourself better, I do for myself, writing some blogs….

    One thing I can tell by that you are a STRONG willed person, please keep your chin up and you will be there.

    Don’t let adversity let you down, your Rex needs you.

    🙂

    • Bellamie · August 10, 2012

      Thanks! Your comment means a lot to me as I’m going through frustration times, but I’m much better than five months ago. Rex is doing great and thanks for your kind words. 🙂

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