Renny’s Letters

More than year has gone by since Renny was last arrested on November 21st, 2011, leading to his prison time. He’s already served the first year of his sentence and has more than a decade to go, unless his parole board decides to let him out earlier. Rex will be well into his teenage years by the time Renny serves his sentence full-time and gets out.

This sole fact is already enough for me to let Renny go and move on. However, we still write letters to each other and his letters almost always make me emotional. No matter how detached I’ve been from him, living far away in the world, his letter always bring me back to right in front of him, behind the bars inside his cell. His letters enclose me in the four cold stone walls of his life. They angered me and made me cry. But his desperate words and search for spiritual wisdom (specifically, the whys of his destructive actions) also filled me with the mixture of forgiveness and compassion. He has a very long road ahead of him.

And so do I, raising Rex along the way.

That’s why I’ve a hard time keeping up with this blog, because it reminds me how I feel alone with so many responsibilities and sacrifices. Every time I write Renny a letter, I’m emotionally worn out by the time I sign my name.

I don’t want to feel that way every time I click ‘Publish’. I don’t want to turn my blog into a place for me to whine and bitch around because life didn’t turn out the way I expected.

Don’t get me wrong, our letters are not entirely of sad stories and angry resentments. We talk about what we read and saw on TV. We talk about the future. We talk a lot about spirituality. I told him he can write for this blog if he is ready and wants to. He said he will.

I also have to prioritize. I’m so happy to tell you that I’m the Production Assistant for ASL Films’ next production which will be filmed in Minnesota this coming spring. I really look forward to experiencing this exciting opportunity.

And not only that, our latest film, SLOT, is already out! Check out www.aslfilms.com for the showings in your area. I’m in it and it is something that I am proud to be part of!

Alas, that means you might hear less from me for the next few months, but this blog is still very much alive, and I will keep you updated every once in while with any kind of news or anything relating to the project or what I am doing. Thank you, my friends, for reading and staying in touch with me! I’m glad you are part of my life! And to others, thank you for your continuing support, I can feel it and I really appreciate it!

Until then,

Bellamie

Bye Bye 2012! Hello 2013!

Hello.

I’m making this simple and sweet, so you can go and continue on your new year celebration.

I’m just thinking about the days that are behind us. Both good and bad days.

And the present moment I’m in right now. I’m very grateful for that. It was simply unbelievable what I’ve been through this year. I looked at my first blog post I wrote and oh my goodness! How much I’ve grown!

And then I had a thought. What is one change that I learned and applied to my life this year? I want to share this with you and I hope you will have a better insight of this philosophy.

If I was in a beauty pageant and somebody asked, “What do you wish for?”

I would answer, “World Peace!”

But it doesn’t work that way. It’s easy to wish for the humankind to start caring for each other. It’s like wishing for other people to do it for you. The only way World Peace will happen is when each person makes peace with herself. Nobody but you can do for yourself. Every person has her own way of making peace with herself. Be it praying in a place of worship or helping others, but the bottom line is forgive your mistakes and accept yourself. What changes for better inside you will show on your face and it will be smiling.

I know many people would say, “The wars and chaos have their places in this world, or otherwise we won’t know what peace is, and if we reach the total state of peacefulness, there will be no purpose in living.” Worry not, billions of us are at struggle every day of finding peace with ourselves, so the day of World Peace is very far away.

I in no way want to take your hope away of living in peace. On the contrary, I’m very hopeful! I covered a lot of miles on my road in 2012, but it is still long way to go in short years. I try my best to make peace with myself every day, but there were many days I failed to succeed. My hope is that people would find a spark in themselves to let go of pains and reach for peace within. It will not happen every day. It requires practicing. I’m not saying this is going to be easy, but if we go on this path collectively, World Peace may not happen, but there will be a lot more happier people in the world.

This post is getting long so I better stop now and go play with Rex. Happy New Year and peace out!